I'm done. I have said my last word. It's time to let go--of hurt and everything. To forget words that have been said. I am still sad but in my heart, I know I have done everything.
A few days ago, i was blogging about floating away with this balloon. I didn't in the end. But for now, I will let whatever bitterness and hurt I am feeling inside float away from me with this balloon.
I never knew blogging could be so therapeutic...till now.Fly away balloon....fly away hurt. And I'm keeping my fingers crossed, that all hearts be back in shape soon.
I am still suffering from PMS (Pity My Self) today although I dont burst into tears everytime i think of what happened for the past days. I still would be in a daze for a few seconds trying to question why and how in mind. But there is no need to cry over spilt milk, time to move on. I apologized and grovelled till all the cows of farmer fanning came home but nothing I do can fix the matter now. I did my bit, it's up to her now, the ball is on her side of the court now. If she does not forgive, it's up to her. Maybe, she is perfect.
If she thought lowly of me like that, i think there is no point in holding. I guess i'm really bad at gauging people's character.
Yes, i believe that now. You were the one who said it. I struggled to get through the week while anxiously waiting for Friday to come. And Friday came, my worst fear was confirmed. But my question is-- why? Why did you choose to talk about it there? You said you dont want to involve others but in a way, you already did. Did you seriously think of me that way? In my defence I will not try and defend myself or what I have done to you but the truth is I didnt know it has that effect on you. I'm not an asshole idiot to keep doing it if I knew it would offend you. And I treasure my friends more than my ego cos if I dont, I wont spend the past days apologizing and grovelling. Yes, I am not perfect-- I didnt claim i was. That was character assasination You even managed to use those things i told you in confidence and rub it in my face. In confidence....I told you those in confidence. It never occur to me to use whatever personal stuff you confided in me against you, and i never will.
Now my question is 'why?'. Why did you choose to discuss matters in the open? thank you for putting me in my place but for me you are never the girl i met from some place who is not even related to me but my best friend. I'm an idiot for assuming It's presumptuous of me to assume you feel the same way about me.
And back to my question, Why? Is it for the hits? Is it so you can go up the ladder/ rank?
I cried, i really did. And now, I'm still hurting. But every time i read what you wrote, i realize, it gets better everyday. I dunno what you motives were, but as for me, you were my best friend.
I just realized that now. I dont claim to be perfect....I am not a mind reader too. I didnt know. I'm sorry you think i'm that low. I'm sorry you think I like putting people down to get ahead. Maybe in your wolrd that is the case, not in mine. If I did what I did, over and over, I didnt know I have been offending you. You are my friend, not just some random girl I met somewhere. You are my bestfriend-- at least in my eyes and in my heart. I dunno if you feel that way towards me. If I have a problem with you, I will talk to you about it. I will try and resolve things with you first. I wont go and tell 'partial' things and utter spiteful words towards you. The more I read what you wrote, the more I understand. You said you dont hate me-- but your words say otherwise. It's full of spite and hatred.
I dunno how much longer I can keep on apologizing. One thing I know, I didnt do it to mock you or spite you and put you down. You should have talked to me about it.
The more i read about what you thought of me, the more i cry. Maybe if we switched places and I was the offended one, never in a million years will I say those words to you. And I thought we were friends.....i'm sorry for being an idiot and assuming things. I'm just the woman who was not even a relative. I wish you could have just told me. I have been really sorry about what I did...but my apologies and my begging arent good enough. Again, I'm not perfect--maybe you are. I wish I am more like you.
I didnt know what Plan B was till today. One would say that at 37, i should know! But I dont. You see, I use to blog somewhere else, a small blogging community with people i have grown to love and hate. I have met a few nasties but i have also met a few good ones. However, because of careless words spoken I have offended a person I really like-- perhaps the only reason why I have chosen to stay there for that long-- so I decided to sign off for good in that site.
I want to believe that I have a good heart, and I did not set about hurting people's feelings during my stay there. Yes, I cried, I laughed, I hated, I loved, I got annoyed, I vented, I lost friends, gained a few, then lost some more along the way. I blogged, I bitched, I complained. And now, I decided, I am leaving. C'est la vie.
Now, I am here. I dunno if I even make friends here or if someone will even bother to stop and read my blogs. But I think, it's easier this way. I'm alone...at least I write to my hearts content and not worry about hurting other people's feelings.
This...is my Plan B.
